When Moby Dick bites female Captain Ahab’s leg, she goes to see the ship’s doctor. The doctor asks when was the first day of her last period and if she is pregnant or breastfeeding. She said, “A whale ate my leg.” The doctor asks if it’s okay if he takes care of a man with kidney stones first because he’s in a lot of pain and rightfully so. Captain Ahab, a woman, said, “Oh, sure, sure. It’s not so bad. I can wait. No precipitation.
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On board of Pequod, female Captain Ahab gives a rousing speech about the nature of evil and her intention to kill the great sperm whale Moby Dick. She nails a gold doubloon to the mast to entice her crew. But when she turns around, she realizes that the crew hasn’t heard of it; they were playing with their brooms. The affable and popular second mate Stubb yells, “Listen everyone! I think Captain Ahab is trying to say something! Ahab now has the team’s full attention, but she’s too bored with Stubb’s performative feminism to repeat herself.
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When the Pequod the crew meets the whaler Jeroboamthe crazed crewman proclaims Gabriel, “I have a prophecy of doom! I must speak with your captain. Captain Ahab, female, says, ‘I am the captain. Tell me your prophecy. Gabriel then says: “Oh. You’re the captain? Are you sure?”
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Captain Ahab, female, in the throes of vengeance cries, “From the heart of hell I stab thee; out of hatred, I spit my last breath on you. Cursed whale. First Starbuck Mate responds, “You are very emotional about this whale. Maybe wait before making a decision? This time every month you are much more rational after five to seven days.
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During the PequodAt Captain Ahab’s daily sailing meeting, a woman asks Queequeg, “Why don’t you write all that down?” You are literally the ship’s scribe. Queequeg responds, “I kinda thought you would? Your calligraphy is so much nicer than mine, you know? Thanks very much.”
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Despite being a master harpooner with decades of experience, female Captain Ahab can’t pick up a harpoon without a guy providing unsolicited feedback on her technique. On numerous occasions, a crew member wrapped her in his arms from behind to physically demonstrate the proper form of a harpoon penetrating the whale’s heart. He always spells the word “penetrate” a little differently – not differently enough to call it, but enough to make female Captain Ahab uncomfortable.
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When Tashtego is trapped in the severed head of a dead whale and sinks to certain death at the bottom of the ocean, the crew shouts, “Oh, shit! What do we do?” Captain Ahab, a woman, said, “Someone has to dive in and chop his head off.” Starbuck then immediately said, louder, “Queequeg, I have an idea! Dive in and cut it off the head.
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Fedallah gets tangled up desperately in a harpoon line. Captain Ahab, wife, swears to him that she will avenge him by killing the whale, extinguishing all evil. Fedallah said, “Rawr! Catfight!” before being dragged overboard to his death.
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Someone thinks they see the big sperm whale, Moby Dick. After years of hunting the beast that took her leg, Captain Ahab, a woman, grabs her scope to finally lay eyes on her aquatic enemy. However, his pants were designed to provide a slim silhouette and weren’t made with pockets to hold a goggle, and he misses that.
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Finally, female Captain Ahab gets close enough to Moby Dick to drive the Pequod in the whale. She is caught in the line of the harpoon and is pulled overboard. The crew watches as their captain sinks to his death, brought down by his own insatiable will for revenge against an animal that can feel no remorse. Ishmael shakes his head and says, “It’s such a shame. Now we have no one to organize the Pequod‘s weekly happy hour.
